I guess today I'm finally conscious of the fact that I was in a accident and everything is NOT ok. For the past week I've been going and going and going. Just trying to get things done and not think about what happened. But today, I talked with a really nice woman with my insurance. I think she thought she was my mother or something. She told me the first real news about the other woman in the accident. And it is starting to sink in.
The other woman was rushed to the ICU, and was transferred to a regular room after a few days. But on Monday, they took her back to an intermediate unit. Obviously, personal medical records are confidential so the woman from the insurance agency couldn't tell me much, but from what she said, I'm pretty sure the other woman won't be ok for a long time... if ever.
If that isn't enough, there is the possibility that my insurance won't cover all of the woman's bills. My insurance company told me to not worry about it and that they will try their hardest to get the woman's family to settle with how much policy does cover. Just thinking about it freaks me out. How is it possible that I caused so much damage and so much hurt?
John, the City Life director in Austin, told me last night to not feel guilty, that guilt was from the enemy. I've been sitting here pondering if that is possible when a song came to mind:
Don't make me strong, I want to be weak.
Make me a servant instead of a king.
Oh, my hardened heart! Why can't you see?
In your brokenness, His strength is perfect.
Don't make me strong, I want to be weak.
God, break the heart that beats in me.
Cause it's been too long by my own strength.
Try to make it right, but I keep failing.
So break me down.
It's when I'm weak that
I know you're strong.
I will boast when I am weak,
that Jesus power may rest on me.
Make me a servant instead of a king.
Oh, my hardened heart! Why can't you see?
In your brokenness, His strength is perfect.
Don't make me strong, I want to be weak.
God, break the heart that beats in me.
Cause it's been too long by my own strength.
Try to make it right, but I keep failing.
So break me down.
It's when I'm weak that
I know you're strong.
I will boast when I am weak,
that Jesus power may rest on me.
I often sing this song without thinking about the words. In my accident I was so weak. I was trying as hard as possible to drive safe and do everything right, but in my broken body I was powerless to avoid failure. Who do I think I am? Who am I that I think I understand what happened on September 27th? Who am I? And more importantly, who is God? Is He at the mercy of my faulted eyesight? Is He helpless to work out His glory in our sin? I'm reminded of 2 Tim 1:12, "I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day."
Not only does God work out everything according to His good and perfect will, but He says that in our weaknesses His power is perfect (2 Cor. 12:9). He is using me not despite my weaknesses, but because of them. He chooses the weak and broken people as His children. So in fact there is something sweet in sorrow - there is the all knowing, all loving power of God.
Not only does God work out everything according to His good and perfect will, but He says that in our weaknesses His power is perfect (2 Cor. 12:9). He is using me not despite my weaknesses, but because of them. He chooses the weak and broken people as His children. So in fact there is something sweet in sorrow - there is the all knowing, all loving power of God.
For I know whom I have believed.
