Someone to Talk to

So I feel like it's been a while since I've updated my blog.

General Info:
1) Just in case you're wondering everything is pretty much settled from the accident. Thanks for all your prayers and support. 2) I'm also not going home for Christmas. So I'm currently weighing my options about where to spend Christmas this year. I kinda want to be a recluse and spend the day by myself, but considering I don't live by myself that is highly unlikely. And 3) I think it goes without saying that I miss my family and friends from back home a LOT.

How Am I Really?
I feel like these past several weeks/months have opened my eyes to what the single-adult world is really like, and now I can understand why so many people feel like they need to get married or move to a different city or find a better job. Being a twenty-something, single girl living on her own in a big city is incredibly lonely and often feels purposeless. All throughout my life I felt a deep sense of loneliness and longing to do something meaningful. But I've normally had a goal, or could at least see the next step of my life. Now I just see life going on forever - incredibly meaningless.

I was kinda hoping that CityLife would fix those problems for me. I planned to move to Austin and somehow live with the girls on my team. I saw us hanging out almost every night. I imagined living in community with my neighbors and having meaningful one-on-ones with all types of women. Yet the reality is that everyone is busy. We don't have time or energy to meet up with each other, and when we do, we often don't know how to take relationships to the next level.

I have made good friends with people from Church. Some of the young adults there are probably my favorite people ever. But I still carry this deep sense of loneliness that I think stems in fear. Somehow I am convinced that if people really knew me they would hate me. If people really saw my heart and my desires, they wouldn't want to even talk to me. I don't remember the last time I had a normal conversation without hearing about what they thought I should do or what they thought was wrong with me. And in most of those conversations, the other person was not vulnerable to share about their own lives. It is the worst feeling knowing that there is no one you can talk to honestly within a several hundred mile radius. Haha, talk about "being on your own."

One of my friends down here asked me about Sex in the City. "What was that?" She asked. "Does that ever really happen? Where are my three or four best friends that I can share everything with?" I've always loved that show. I always thought that what attracted me to it was their honestly about sex, but talking with my friend made me realize that it wasn't the sex that was so attractive but the friendship. Those women knew that even though they were completely different, even though they cheated on their partners, even though they might never see eye to eye on anything, they would always have friends in each other. The real story in Sex and the City is the friendship that these four women shared, and I have to echo the question of my friend - where is that in my life?

So, honestly, I haven't been doing well. I find myself wanting to sleep instead of spending time with people. I often blow off everything because there seems to be no point in doing anything. I haven't responded to phone calls or tried to talk to anyone. What is frightening me the most is that I often question what I know is right. It is so much easier not thinking about tomorrow and just doing what feels good today. I mean no one cares, right? If they do care, it is only to make me feel guilty and to point out how wrong I am. I guess I can see myself slipping down the slide of depression, but at the bottom of the slope is complete disrespect for relationships.


One of my favorite songs~

"Don't give up on me tomorrow.
Love me like you do today.
Look beyond my fear and sorrow,
Even if I push you away."

Vanity

Right now, there is so much on my mind. So many little things that are swirling around up there that I feel I can't concentrate on anything. I just want peace. I want to know how to be still.

I find that relationships have taken over most of my thoughts. Issues in friend's lives, issues I see in my life. I find myself absorbed in questions: Why do they think that? Why do I think differently? Which is right? Why am I so annoyed by them? Why do I like them so much? Why are we all so shallow and deceived? When will we ever actually love each other the way we were made to? Why do we all feel so alone but never let anyone in?

I could probably go on with questions for the rest of the morning, and each question could have it's own essay, or book for that matter. I so desperately want to understand. I want to fix the problems so we can live in unity. But the more I understand, the more I become depressed about our broken state of being.

Ecclesiastes 1:13-18
I applied my mind to study and to explore by wisdom all that is done under
the heavens. What a heavy burden God has laid on mankind! I have seen all
the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a
chasing after the wind.

"What is crooked cannot be straightened;
what is lacking cannot be counted."

"For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
the more knowledge, the more grief."

So what do we do then? I mean isn't the unevaluated life not worth living? And isn't wisdom better than folly?

And I declared that the dead,
who had already died,
are happier than the living,
who are still alive.
But better than both
is the one who has never been born,

.......

This only have I found:
God created mankind upright,
but they have gone in search of many schemes.

......

Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun—all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun.

So I guess I got a little carried away with Ecclesiastes, but I have to say it is one of my all-time favorite books. Somehow there is freedom in knowing everything is meaningless - a chasing after the wind. There is peace in knowing "the conclusion of the matter: fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the duty of all mankind."

Sweet Sorrow

So in the past week and a half, there has a shortage of "sweet" events in my life. I feel like everything is pressing - reminding me that I'm falling short of whatever it is I'm suppose to be.

I guess today I'm finally conscious of the fact that I was in a accident and everything is NOT ok. For the past week I've been going and going and going. Just trying to get things done and not think about what happened. But today, I talked with a really nice woman with my insurance. I think she thought she was my mother or something. She told me the first real news about the other woman in the accident. And it is starting to sink in.

The other woman was rushed to the ICU, and was transferred to a regular room after a few days. But on Monday, they took her back to an intermediate unit. Obviously, personal medical records are confidential so the woman from the insurance agency couldn't tell me much, but from what she said, I'm pretty sure the other woman won't be ok for a long time... if ever.

If that isn't enough, there is the possibility that my insurance won't cover all of the woman's bills. My insurance company told me to not worry about it and that they will try their hardest to get the woman's family to settle with how much policy does cover. Just thinking about it freaks me out. How is it possible that I caused so much damage and so much hurt?

John, the City Life director in Austin, told me last night to not feel guilty, that guilt was from the enemy. I've been sitting here pondering if that is possible when a song came to mind:

Don't make me strong, I want to be weak.
Make me a servant instead of a king.
Oh, my hardened heart! Why can't you see?
In your brokenness, His strength is perfect.

Don't make me strong, I want to be weak.
God, break the heart that beats in me.
Cause it's been too long by my own strength.
Try to make it right, but I keep failing.

So break me down.
It's when I'm weak that
I know you're strong.
I will boast when I am weak,
that Jesus power may rest on me.

I often sing this song without thinking about the words. In my accident I was so weak. I was trying as hard as possible to drive safe and do everything right, but in my broken body I was powerless to avoid failure. Who do I think I am? Who am I that I think I understand what happened on September 27th? Who am I? And more importantly, who is God? Is He at the mercy of my faulted eyesight? Is He helpless to work out His glory in our sin? I'm reminded of 2 Tim 1:12, "I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day."

Not only does God work out everything according to His good and perfect will, but He says that in our weaknesses His power is perfect (2 Cor. 12:9). He is using me not despite my weaknesses, but because of them. He chooses the weak and broken people as His children. So in fact there is something sweet in sorrow - there is the all knowing, all loving power of God.

For I know whom I have believed.

An Accident

It's 5:30AM and the events of yesterday keep running through my mind like a terrible dream. I finally decided to wake up and write it down in an effort to rid my mind of it's haunting effects.

Yesterday morning started out a normal morning. I tried to feed the baby I'm nannying, and after giving her a bottle I decided to go to the park before class. I was actually really excited by the time we left the park because I had met about 6 other moms and nannies who wanted to hangout sometime.

As usual, I wasn't sure how to get to the class the baby had and I didn't have my GPS. As a result, I was pretty focused on where I was and where I was going. I saw I had a green light and my exit was coming up on the right, so I needed to merge over soon, when out of no where a car turned in front me.

It was over before I could even understand what happened. All I could think was, "why would that car have turned in front of me if I had a green light?" I jumped out and grabbed the screaming baby from the back of the car. There were only two things running through my head: what will the parents think and did I really have a green light. Within seconds I had my answer. My light was red. I was my fault. I had caused this three car accident. And I didn't even realize it.

I hit the other car on their passenger side full on - their car absorbing most of the impact of the crash. That car then glided into a pickup on the side of the road. I was in too much of a daze to think of anything, but looking back now I know that all three cars were towed even though the truck looked fine to me. The older woman in the car was unable to move and had to be cut out of her car and rushed to the hospital. I was told the man in the truck was fine.

Even now, there are so many things running through my head that I don't know where to start. I mean, I am fine. People say I should be sore, but I just have my normal head and neck pain that I almost don't notice after having for about 2 years now (that is a whole different story). The baby Kayla is doing well. She had a cut on her lip, but we're not sure what from, and some bruises on her torso from the car seat (some idiot man came up to me right after the crash and congratulated me on using a car seat! As if I would drive anywhere without it?)

Unfortunately, when Kayla's parents told her grandmother, she had a minor heart attack. Ben and Sheila are thinking about moving their trip to visit her a little sooner. Amazingly, Ben and Sheila have been so kind and understanding. In someways it makes me feel worse. I kinda wish they would punish me by firing me or something. Instead, they offered to let me have their car for the week. I'm still trying to figure out if I can rent a car or not. There is a lot of red tape, which sucks.

Anyone who knows me even a little knows I say I'm a "bad" driver. But in reality I have never been in an accident or even gotten a speeding ticket. I have definitely broken my share of traffic laws, but this time, I wasn't doing any thing wrong. I mean I was focused on the road. The more I think about it the more frustrated I get. I was trying to be careful! I saw a green light!

And then my mind races to the times in the past when I "saw" things and I wonder if I'm crazy. I remember an incident about 2 or 3 years ago, when I hallucinated at work. I remember seeing a 10 dollar bill and being convinced it was a 5. It happened like four times in a row. I had to ask my boss to move me temporarily. I remember another night when I was driving my friend home and ran a red light without knowing it at all. I freaked out then too, but I didn't hit anyone. It doesn't really help when people say they understand. How many people have been the cause of crashing three cars and sending three people to the hospital because their brain didn't work right?

It's kinda ironic. The other night at young adults we were talking about how we view hardships. I said that I'm fine with hardships that happen because of someone else, but if I am the cause I freak out. Maybe God is continuing to break me in this area? Maybe I need to learn how much I suck and that He is the only one who is good?


I want to thank all of you for your prayers and support. I appreciate that everyone has been so understanding. If you could continue to pray for Kayla's grandmother, the older woman in the other car, everyone involved emotional well being, and that I would somehow have a car today and until I can find a new one, that would mean a lot to me.

Why Worry?

Why do I worry? Right now I am house/dog sitting for the family I'm going to nanny for, and somehow every little thing makes me anxious. I couldn't even enjoy a night with friends because I was worrying about all the things that could go wrong at the house and with the dog. I've been worrying about everything from using too much of their butter to not petting the dog enough. In the back of my mind, I keep thinking "What if they have a camera and think I'm a crazy person?"

Maybe I thought that moving to Austin where I didn't know anyone would help with feeling pressure. It did - until I met people and got a job. And just this week I heard stories from two guys who had gotten fired from their jobs for simple mistakes. I mean I know I will make mistakes...... I know I haven't tried my hardest at my job this week. And even if I did try my hardest I would still fall short of being the perfect dog sitter.

So God says to not worry about anything, but what if I am to blame? How do I trust God and not worry? How do I approach life responsibly but not controllingly. I want to learn to trust God and that he will work in my weakness. Somehow I keep feeling guilty for being so weak. "Good Christians don't struggle this much with laziness and self-control." but is that true? Will I ever get to the point that I won't struggle with selfishness?

He's Just Not That Into You

So the other night, I went to this young adults meeting where we break into small groups and just discuss relevant topics to our age group. As we went around the table, each of us had to describe a movie that in someway represented who we are or how we view ourselves. Almost immediately, I thought of this movie.

"He's Just Not That Into You" is one of my all time favorite movies! It is a dramatic movie about a group of women in their twenties and thirties looking for Mr. Right. They each in someway try to make their guy love them. Like in Adele's song, "Why is it every time I think I've tried my hardest it turns out it's not enough because you're still not mentioning love. What am I supposed to do to make you love properly?" These women thrive on drama and long to have a man fill their lives so badly that they put with jerks just to feel like they have something. I feel like I know each and every one of those fictional women personally, and sometimes I can see them in myself.

I LOVE drama! I love crying. I love that feeling that swells up in your chest when you you like something or hate something or are incredibly nervous. I always have. But recently I've been a little more overwhelmed by the possibility of the drama that could exist around me. It has caused me to take a deeper look into my heart and why I seek out drama.

Just like the women in the movie, in my heart I believe that I need love from a man in order to be valuable. The thing is I don't often (try never, lol) look for relationships. Relationships scare me too much; relationships are too painful. No, instead I seek attention - flirtation. I make a show of being irritated with men who are interested in me, but I never actually turn them down. I mean who would I be without the attention?

The other day, I found myself daydreaming about a friend who told me he was interested in another girl. I knew from the beginning that he didn't like me and that we would not be good for each other, but somehow I needed the rush of trying to get him to like me. I didn't even feel discouraged when he said he liked someone else. I just kept thinking, "well, I still might be able to get him." I finally asked myself where all of this was coming from, and I realized that all of my relationships have followed a similar pattern:
1) I seek attention from a guy,
2) He shows significant interest in me (goal accomplished),
3) We flirt and talk for an allotted amount of time,
4) He asks me out (to my horror),
5) I reject but try to hold onto the attention,
6) I normally give in and start dating him,
7) I try to make him into the man I'm looking for, and then
8) He will crush my hopes and break up with me.

I guess the thing that gets me is that I don't realize I'm doing this. I'm not walking around hunting for men. Older women have complemented me on my straightforwardness and non-provocative interactions/friendships with men. %90 percent of the time I feel like I have risen above the drama that other girls look for. But then I am challenged to search my heart- to lay everything before the throne of God. Why am I so like these fictitious women? When will I realize that men will never satisfy? When will I be able to look to Christ alone for my love and worth?

One of my closest and most dearly loved friends told me the other day, "Cassie, this is our struggle - it will always be our struggle." I love how God will bring you to a new place just to show you a every old problem. All I can do is to press forward to know the surpassing greatness of Christ and his love - to more fully realized that men will never be as into me as HE is.

Belonging

So trying to cry silently sucks, lol! I know that I'm simply overly emotional right now, but normally I have someone (a roommate, boyfriend, or close friend) to cry with. Right now I feel so alone. It's not homesickness - no, being at home might possibly be worse. It's just that emptiness of knowing that one would really notice or care if I wasn't around. I had it at home too.

God has been more than faithful these past few weeks. I have a place to stay for now, a wonderful job starting in a few weeks, and a ton of people who ask me to hangout pretty much every night. When I see what God has done, I wonder how it is I can feel even the slightest bit sad for myself....

The thing that has been on my heart the most these past few days is the possibility of having a CityLife team built around me, which really means that at least two to four people I meet down here would be willing to commit to seeking God with me for one or two years. We would need to live near each other or with each other and commit to reaching out to our neighbors and coworkers.

The prospect both excites me and freaks me out. On one hand, I love the idea of seeing God move in such a powerful way. The fact that God would work out a team of people in just a month or two would be amazing! And it would be awesome to be on a team with people who were in the same place of life as me! But at the same time, I'm freaked out about this possibility of starting a new team when I haven't met one woman who's been seriously interested. And the fact that we would have to live with or near each other is overwhelming! I don't even have a permanent place to live.

I would love to be on John and Beth's team too, but it would be really different. Most of their friends are married and don't go out at night. They are older and settled in their way of life - I mean even though they are in their late 20s, they don't go on facebook more than once a week! Honestly, I don't know how to relate to them. I feel so awkward and out of place even with the single women. It probably doesn't help that they all are about 5"7', weigh 110lbs, dress in the latest fashions and are mostly from the South (South=Texas - because it is -contrary to popular belief down here, haha). I feel like I'm just starting to decode their culture, and it will take years to understand them not to mention be their friend. How does an awkward, chubby, recent college grad from the suburbs of Philly who lived in Amish country for the past five years merge into this culture of beauty and materialism? I guess that will be a show of God's power as well!

That is the nice thing about possibly starting a new team. The people i've met are more like me. Oh, they are still gorgeous and not at all awkward, but most of them have just moved here from the north, many of them are still trying to figure out what kind of job they want, and several don't have a permanent place to live yet. Like I said before (I think in another post), these people make me feel like I belong here - a sense of coming home.

So if you've gotten this far into my blog of ranting on and on, could you keep me prayer? Could you pray that God would raise up people in Austin who would commit to loving Jesus with me and living near or with me? And if it is God's will to be on this other, ready made team, that He would help me understand and love them. And that I would find a cheap place to live.....

God Bless

How?

So with all the things going on in my life I'm not sure why this is standing out so much, but it is. This morning all my worries and fears and frustrations built up into one pervasive question. How? More specifically, how do I trust God?

I was singing that song the other morning -"Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus." I've always been astounded by the chorus which sings, "Jesus, Jesus, how I trust thee, how I've proved him o'er and o'er." Who can really say, "I trust God SO much. Just look, I have trusted him so much that I have proved he is faithful." I wish I could say I have that type of trust, that type of faith.

This morning I sat down to spend some time with Jesus, and somehow got distracted with looking for a job online. As I applied for what could be the perfect Nannying position, I began to pray that God's will be done - that he would work everything out in the best way possible. But I can't help but have these nagging doubts. The haunting "what ifs" hang over my head. How is it that I can make these plans and decisions, but God is still sovereign? If I am the one acting, how is God controlling? I know that theologians have debated this question for thousands of years, and I will probably never really understand, but I have to ask myself how is it that we truly trust God?

And then along with that question comes another: what does trusting God look like acted out in my life? Should I try my best, work really hard, and focus on worldly and moral success hoping and trusting that God will bless my efforts? Or should I get lost in the joy of spending time with God and his people - believing that I don't need a job because God is faithful? Should I take huge leaps of faiths that make people think I'm crazy expecting God to do the impossible? I'm convinced that trusting God should change my life, but I still don't think I understand how.

So, how does a person trust God? More importantly, how do you trust God?

Change of Heart

So I have been for at least the past few years notoriously not a an animal person, but I think living alone for the past weeks has had a profound effect on me. John and Beth went out for a little and left Winston (their Great Dane) with me. For the first time ever, I am finding myself really liking an animal. In this moment, I feel like I would actually get a pet. Me-own an animal! I think part of it is that I hate being alone, and this dog makes me feel like I have a friend. I mean they don't call them man's best friend for nothing, right?

Young Adults!

I know that today is the second post of the day, which is probably a blogger "no no," But today was simply great! I got an interview and then applied to fifty million more jobs it seems like. I was planning on going to this church thing, but I was so tired. I decide to just suck it up and go, but when I plugged it into my GPS it couldn't find the address. I knew that the only way I would get there was if I figured out the directions on my own.... well I did it! First time navigating with just a map in Austin!

But then I got there. I could only see three people standing outside and I wasn't sure I had the nerve to go in. I had to remind myself that I really have nothing to lose. So what if they think I'm weird or if I think they are weird - who cares? So I finally get the courage to meet these people and it turns out there are a good 40 or more people that come out to this gathering. And most of the people I met had just moved to Austin from the north! Most of them didn't have jobs when they moved, and some still need roommates.

It was amazing!! I didn't realize how good it is talking to people face to face - especially people who are in the exact same place in life as I am. It's almost like looking into a mirror. I finally feel like I've met a group of people I click with. That could be because they are not from the South, haha. Some of them have been on staff with college ministries, gone to Bible colleges, and even been on STPs! I feel a sense of belonging that I haven't had these past two weeks. I am literally thrilled!

Job!

So excited! I received my first phone call for an interview! It's not my dream job or anything, but at 9:30 Monday morning I will be interviewing for a position at Target! This whole not having a job thing is terrible! And it hasn't even been two weeks. When I take time to realize that it has only been a few days I feel like a sissy for being so discouraged. I mean my dad was out of work for 6 months when I was little - SIX MONTHS! I can't imagine. He had a wife, four kids, and no job. Wow, I think it is true that you have a new respect for your parents when you grow up. Hopefully, it won't take 6 months for me to get a job.....I'm actually banking on it taking my less than 2 months or I will have run out of money...

Waiting

So, I always think about blogging, but when it comes down to it I never have anything to say - and I'm not the type of person who likes to give random updates on stuff like what I ate for breakfast, haha. Once again, I am at a loss for words.

My life has been pretty predictable for a person who has just moved. I'm still in the slow process of looking for jobs and trying to make friends. Both of which are going much slower than I had hoped. In college, work and friends just kinda hits you in the face. Now, I feel like people take at least a week to do any type of networking.

Making friends has definitely been the easier part of relocating - at least for me. I am pretty comfortable talking to new people and going to places by myself. I find that people normally want to make you feel welcome if you tell them you are new and don't have friends. I've already been invited to a few people's houses to hangout. And I might even have a potential roommate for next month!

The more discouraging thing for me is not having a job. This is so hard for me to trust God with. I can't help thinking about what will happen if I don't find a job. I've been finding that most places think I'm either under or over qualified to work. Entry level jobs don't want me because they know I'm looking for a teaching job. And schools don't want me because they don't know me or my teaching style, and all I've had are entry level jobs. Thinking about it just makes me cry. At this point, I don't care what I do, I just want a job. I don't need a lot of money...

I guess right now, I need to learn how to wait. Each day I apply for new jobs, and talk to store managers, but I keep feeling like I'm not doing something right. Part of me wonders if maybe God is teaching me to wait. I've never been good at waiting. It's not that I am a hasty person or someone who needs things to be done super fast, but as I look back, I realize that I have never done well with waiting for something that I really want. The example that comes to mind is boys. If there isn't anyone I am interested in, somehow I secretly decide that I will never get married. And then when there is a guy, even if I know he's not the best, I go ahead and date him thinking that, of course, we are meant to be. It seems as though I latch on to whatever is in front of me for fear of the dark unknown that lies beyond it. But now there is nothing in front of me except unknowns. Nothing to latch on to.

All that is left for me is to trust God. "Nothing in my hand I bring, simply to the cross I cling." Praise Him!

Almost a Week

So it's been almost a week already! I have to say that I've been spending way too much time by myself. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being kinda on my own! But I have that deep, wonderful longing for my friends. I miss seeing and hugging those people whom I know I can cry and laugh with and not worry about what they will think. I would list your names, but I'm sure I would leave out some, and you know who you are anyway.

On a lighter note, I'm starting to make more plans to go out to see people and possible job opportunities. By this evening, I think I will be done with the application process and ready to stop by places to ask about jobs. I'm actually a little nervous about it. Not the visiting part, but the not having work to do at home part. Filling out paperwork and online forms has been my life for the past month or so - I'm not sure what I will do when I finish, especially if I don't have a job yet. I think I've reached the point that I don't care what type of work I do as long as I do something. I was hoping to go to the movies when I finally get a job, but the ticket expires on the 16th...Well, at least I have a goal, haha.

This Sunday I'm planning on going to a young adults lunch thing! I don't know anyone there or if they will be friendly, but I'm hoping they will be. I would be excited if they are half as friendly as the young adults from CFC. I guess I'll see soon enough. Sometimes I wonder, what is it that makes some people more friendly than others? I can think back and remember some people who are so welcoming that you feel apart of their family, but others act like they don't have time for you.... I wonder how I can learn to be more friendly...

Anyway, if you've taken the time to read this, know that I'm missing you, and no, I haven't met a cowboy yet.

Fail

The last few days here have been simply wonderful! I have to admit, I love being on my own. I woke up this morning so excited to look for a job and organize my stuff. So far I LOVE Austin!

I did happen to experience an epic fail this afternoon though. I was going to get fingerprinted and to make a long story short, basically my printer broke - then fixed itself, my macbook broke - but it also got better, and then my GPS took me to the wrong place - except it was actually the right place, I just didn't realize it. By the end of the day, I wasted 4 hours and a quarter gallon of gas, and I still have not gotten my fingerprints done. Oh well, I'll try again tomorrow.

First Day in a New Place

So, my dad and I finally got to Austin after about 26 hours over a two day span of driving. It is so good to finally be here!! I LOVE road trips, but I think I've had my fill for a few months at least.

Today was great! Beth (the woman I'm staying with) showed my dad and I around a little, and then we went exploring on our own. For those of you who are wondering, the great dane I'm also living with is very friendly and we are getting along just fine.

Sometimes I wonder how many emotions are people able to feel at once? Is it possible to "feel" too much? If it is, then I definitely do. Somehow I feel a strange peace at the fact that I'm finally here and that I don't know anyone, but I also feel extremely anxious about having so many unknowns here. At the same time, I am overwhelmed by both the love of my friends and family and the loneliness of knowing I won't see some of my best friends for a long time.

I keep hearing a voice asking, "What the heck are you doing here!?!" I'm really not sure. All I know is I am here now, and God is working in my life to bring about His best.

I miss you all :)

Learning to Swim: Part 2

As the first real post on this blog, you might ask, "Why is this part 2?" Well, it seems God has a very similar lesson for me to learn as he did last year. Click here for Part 1.

This year, both Mikey (now six) and Danny (four) are attempting to learn to swim, and as I watch them I can't help but see myself in their experiences.

Danny is always very exited to go to the pool, but the water is still quite new to him. He will often say that going swimming is his favorite thing to do. Unfortunately, when we get there, it can take a good 15 minutes for him to put his foot in the water. And talking to him does little good. He says, "I don't want to."
"Are you scared?"
"No."
"Do you trust me?"
"Yes."
"Well, what is wrong then?"
"I can't do it, Aunt Cassie, and I don't want to."

It makes me wonder, how many times, do I look forward to and plan for something only to tell God, "I can't do it, and I don't want to try." When I think of all the excuses Danny comes up with (believe me he is extremely talkative), I am amazed until I realize that I probably have more. I know God has amazing plans for me. But so many times I dangle my toe in the pool and say, "I don't feel like it. In fact, it will probably make me sick." or "God, you know I can't do this, why would you ask me to?" God gently whispers in a small still voice, "Do you trust me?" I am forced to ask the same question of myself as I do of Danny - "Well, what is wrong then?"

And then there is Mikey (smile). He is the seemingly brave child who will jump into the shallow end (where he can stand) and put his whole face underwater. He is excited to try new things, but as soon as his toes can't reach the bottom of the pool, he clings to me with a death grip. I've never experienced a fifty pound child latched on to my right arm and leg like that before, haha. The embrace is normally accompanied by screams to take him back to where he can stand. It doesn't matter how many times I tell him that he will be fine, he will inevitably start freaking out. And I return him to the shallow end.

I feel like everyday I go to God freaking out in this same manner. "God, I can't feel the bottom!" And while clinging to God is essential, why is it that I need to hold on to something instead of listening to his voice?

I told my nephews about how much fun playing with my dad in the pool was, but my dad quickly responded that they needed to be more mobile in order to play any games. It makes me wonder, how often God has to say that to me. What is God longing to show me if only I will trust him enough to listen?


My sister's friend as a three-year-old son who is also learning to swim, but his experiences are slightly different. One day he was at the pool and he saw his aunt in the deep end. Overwhelmed with excitement, he ran and jumped into the 7 feet deep water right into her arms. He didn't question it. He knew without a doubt that she would catch him.

Oh, to trust God like that! To jump in over our heads knowing that He will catch us. This is my prayer as I "jump out" in faith to Austin, that I will know He will always catch me.