An Accident

It's 5:30AM and the events of yesterday keep running through my mind like a terrible dream. I finally decided to wake up and write it down in an effort to rid my mind of it's haunting effects.

Yesterday morning started out a normal morning. I tried to feed the baby I'm nannying, and after giving her a bottle I decided to go to the park before class. I was actually really excited by the time we left the park because I had met about 6 other moms and nannies who wanted to hangout sometime.

As usual, I wasn't sure how to get to the class the baby had and I didn't have my GPS. As a result, I was pretty focused on where I was and where I was going. I saw I had a green light and my exit was coming up on the right, so I needed to merge over soon, when out of no where a car turned in front me.

It was over before I could even understand what happened. All I could think was, "why would that car have turned in front of me if I had a green light?" I jumped out and grabbed the screaming baby from the back of the car. There were only two things running through my head: what will the parents think and did I really have a green light. Within seconds I had my answer. My light was red. I was my fault. I had caused this three car accident. And I didn't even realize it.

I hit the other car on their passenger side full on - their car absorbing most of the impact of the crash. That car then glided into a pickup on the side of the road. I was in too much of a daze to think of anything, but looking back now I know that all three cars were towed even though the truck looked fine to me. The older woman in the car was unable to move and had to be cut out of her car and rushed to the hospital. I was told the man in the truck was fine.

Even now, there are so many things running through my head that I don't know where to start. I mean, I am fine. People say I should be sore, but I just have my normal head and neck pain that I almost don't notice after having for about 2 years now (that is a whole different story). The baby Kayla is doing well. She had a cut on her lip, but we're not sure what from, and some bruises on her torso from the car seat (some idiot man came up to me right after the crash and congratulated me on using a car seat! As if I would drive anywhere without it?)

Unfortunately, when Kayla's parents told her grandmother, she had a minor heart attack. Ben and Sheila are thinking about moving their trip to visit her a little sooner. Amazingly, Ben and Sheila have been so kind and understanding. In someways it makes me feel worse. I kinda wish they would punish me by firing me or something. Instead, they offered to let me have their car for the week. I'm still trying to figure out if I can rent a car or not. There is a lot of red tape, which sucks.

Anyone who knows me even a little knows I say I'm a "bad" driver. But in reality I have never been in an accident or even gotten a speeding ticket. I have definitely broken my share of traffic laws, but this time, I wasn't doing any thing wrong. I mean I was focused on the road. The more I think about it the more frustrated I get. I was trying to be careful! I saw a green light!

And then my mind races to the times in the past when I "saw" things and I wonder if I'm crazy. I remember an incident about 2 or 3 years ago, when I hallucinated at work. I remember seeing a 10 dollar bill and being convinced it was a 5. It happened like four times in a row. I had to ask my boss to move me temporarily. I remember another night when I was driving my friend home and ran a red light without knowing it at all. I freaked out then too, but I didn't hit anyone. It doesn't really help when people say they understand. How many people have been the cause of crashing three cars and sending three people to the hospital because their brain didn't work right?

It's kinda ironic. The other night at young adults we were talking about how we view hardships. I said that I'm fine with hardships that happen because of someone else, but if I am the cause I freak out. Maybe God is continuing to break me in this area? Maybe I need to learn how much I suck and that He is the only one who is good?


I want to thank all of you for your prayers and support. I appreciate that everyone has been so understanding. If you could continue to pray for Kayla's grandmother, the older woman in the other car, everyone involved emotional well being, and that I would somehow have a car today and until I can find a new one, that would mean a lot to me.

Why Worry?

Why do I worry? Right now I am house/dog sitting for the family I'm going to nanny for, and somehow every little thing makes me anxious. I couldn't even enjoy a night with friends because I was worrying about all the things that could go wrong at the house and with the dog. I've been worrying about everything from using too much of their butter to not petting the dog enough. In the back of my mind, I keep thinking "What if they have a camera and think I'm a crazy person?"

Maybe I thought that moving to Austin where I didn't know anyone would help with feeling pressure. It did - until I met people and got a job. And just this week I heard stories from two guys who had gotten fired from their jobs for simple mistakes. I mean I know I will make mistakes...... I know I haven't tried my hardest at my job this week. And even if I did try my hardest I would still fall short of being the perfect dog sitter.

So God says to not worry about anything, but what if I am to blame? How do I trust God and not worry? How do I approach life responsibly but not controllingly. I want to learn to trust God and that he will work in my weakness. Somehow I keep feeling guilty for being so weak. "Good Christians don't struggle this much with laziness and self-control." but is that true? Will I ever get to the point that I won't struggle with selfishness?

He's Just Not That Into You

So the other night, I went to this young adults meeting where we break into small groups and just discuss relevant topics to our age group. As we went around the table, each of us had to describe a movie that in someway represented who we are or how we view ourselves. Almost immediately, I thought of this movie.

"He's Just Not That Into You" is one of my all time favorite movies! It is a dramatic movie about a group of women in their twenties and thirties looking for Mr. Right. They each in someway try to make their guy love them. Like in Adele's song, "Why is it every time I think I've tried my hardest it turns out it's not enough because you're still not mentioning love. What am I supposed to do to make you love properly?" These women thrive on drama and long to have a man fill their lives so badly that they put with jerks just to feel like they have something. I feel like I know each and every one of those fictional women personally, and sometimes I can see them in myself.

I LOVE drama! I love crying. I love that feeling that swells up in your chest when you you like something or hate something or are incredibly nervous. I always have. But recently I've been a little more overwhelmed by the possibility of the drama that could exist around me. It has caused me to take a deeper look into my heart and why I seek out drama.

Just like the women in the movie, in my heart I believe that I need love from a man in order to be valuable. The thing is I don't often (try never, lol) look for relationships. Relationships scare me too much; relationships are too painful. No, instead I seek attention - flirtation. I make a show of being irritated with men who are interested in me, but I never actually turn them down. I mean who would I be without the attention?

The other day, I found myself daydreaming about a friend who told me he was interested in another girl. I knew from the beginning that he didn't like me and that we would not be good for each other, but somehow I needed the rush of trying to get him to like me. I didn't even feel discouraged when he said he liked someone else. I just kept thinking, "well, I still might be able to get him." I finally asked myself where all of this was coming from, and I realized that all of my relationships have followed a similar pattern:
1) I seek attention from a guy,
2) He shows significant interest in me (goal accomplished),
3) We flirt and talk for an allotted amount of time,
4) He asks me out (to my horror),
5) I reject but try to hold onto the attention,
6) I normally give in and start dating him,
7) I try to make him into the man I'm looking for, and then
8) He will crush my hopes and break up with me.

I guess the thing that gets me is that I don't realize I'm doing this. I'm not walking around hunting for men. Older women have complemented me on my straightforwardness and non-provocative interactions/friendships with men. %90 percent of the time I feel like I have risen above the drama that other girls look for. But then I am challenged to search my heart- to lay everything before the throne of God. Why am I so like these fictitious women? When will I realize that men will never satisfy? When will I be able to look to Christ alone for my love and worth?

One of my closest and most dearly loved friends told me the other day, "Cassie, this is our struggle - it will always be our struggle." I love how God will bring you to a new place just to show you a every old problem. All I can do is to press forward to know the surpassing greatness of Christ and his love - to more fully realized that men will never be as into me as HE is.