So the other night, I went to this young adults meeting where we break into small groups and just discuss relevant topics to our age group. As we went around the table, each of us had to describe a movie that in someway represented who we are or how we view ourselves. Almost immediately, I thought of this movie.
"He's Just Not That Into You" is one of my all time favorite movies! It is a dramatic movie about a group of women in their twenties and thirties looking for Mr. Right. They each in someway try to make their guy love them. Like in Adele's song, "Why is it every time I think I've tried my hardest it turns out it's not enough because you're still not mentioning love. What am I supposed to do to make you love properly?" These women thrive on drama and long to have a man fill their lives so badly that they put with jerks just to feel like they have something. I feel like I know each and every one of those fictional women personally, and sometimes I can see them in myself.
I LOVE drama! I love crying. I love that feeling that swells up in your chest when you you like something or hate something or are incredibly nervous. I always have. But recently I've been a little more overwhelmed by the possibility of the drama that could exist around me. It has caused me to take a deeper look into my heart and why I seek out drama.
Just like the women in the movie, in my heart I believe that I need love from a man in order to be valuable. The thing is I don't often (try never, lol) look for relationships. Relationships scare me too much; relationships are too painful. No, instead I seek attention - flirtation. I make a show of being irritated with men who are interested in me, but I never actually turn them down. I mean who would I be without the attention?
The other day, I found myself daydreaming about a friend who told me he was interested in another girl. I knew from the beginning that he didn't like me and that we would not be good for each other, but somehow I needed the rush of trying to get him to like me. I didn't even feel discouraged when he said he liked someone else. I just kept thinking, "well, I still might be able to get him." I finally asked myself where all of this was coming from, and I realized that all of my relationships have followed a similar pattern:
1) I seek attention from a guy,
2) He shows significant interest in me (goal accomplished),
3) We flirt and talk for an allotted amount of time,
4) He asks me out (to my horror),
5) I reject but try to hold onto the attention,
6) I normally give in and start dating him,
7) I try to make him into the man I'm looking for, and then
8) He will crush my hopes and break up with me.
I guess the thing that gets me is that I don't realize I'm doing this. I'm not walking around hunting for men. Older women have complemented me on my straightforwardness and non-provocative interactions/friendships with men. %90 percent of the time I feel like I have risen above the drama that other girls look for. But then I am challenged to search my heart- to lay everything before the throne of God. Why am I so like these fictitious women? When will I realize that men will never satisfy? When will I be able to look to Christ alone for my love and worth?
One of my closest and most dearly loved friends told me the other day, "Cassie, this is our struggle - it will always be our struggle." I love how God will bring you to a new place just to show you a every old problem. All I can do is to press forward to know the surpassing greatness of Christ and his love - to more fully realized that men will never be as into me as HE is.
