Relationships and Rest

"I can change myself, others I can only love."

After a long day with irritating people, a surprise encounter with an idiot or just an argument with a loved one, many people use this popular saying to calm themselves down. For some of my friends this is a type of Hail Mary that they cling to in frustrating situations. It often comes to mind when I am particularly upset.

Well, this morning I was thinking about a particularly difficult relationship. I thought and prayed about how I wanted to give them a piece of my mind. I was contemplating telling them just why they had hurt me and what they needed to do to make things right. Then in the middle of my prayer, this quote came to mind. I was left with the question: will what I say really change this person? The answer, of course, is no. They might give into my demands, but at what cost? My frustration will not make anyone care more about me, in fact there is a greater possibility they will leave.

As I continued to meditate on this phrase, I began to realize that the entire statement is false. While it is true that I cannot change other people and I should love them instead, there is no way for me to change myself and honestly, I don't have the strength or motivation to truly love others. When someone hurts me or does something dumb that gets in my way, my greatest desire is to get back at them. So then, what are my options? It seems I am completely helpless to improve on my relationship. On one hand I am angry with them, but on the other nothing I do can make any positive difference either in my heart or theirs. And in this moment, I hear my selfishness taunt me with the idea of abandoning them.

In enters the beauty of the Gospel! It is true that I can't do anything. I can't bring healing to my life or to theirs. I can't love, but Jesus can. He can change me and them - completely. He also loves both me and them - completely. He knows everything about each of us and our future - completely.

Part of me wants to ask, "Well, Jesus, if you can change everything and you know everything, then why haven't you? Why is this so difficult?" Then I remember that He allows all of these things for our good. Maybe He is trying to teach me more about Himself or about loving people... Maybe he sees into the situation and knows that what I am desiring will only hurt me in the end... Even though I don't know, He does. And like in a Tale of Three Kings, He never tells.

So what is left for me to do? Surely it is not for me to give up! No, the solution is not to give up, which is product of despair, but instead God is calling me to REST. To cease striving (Psalm 46:10) and know that the God of all power and the author of relationships is the sovereign ruler of all and loves me intimately. I need only to rest in His presence and listen to His loving voice. To let Him hold me when it feels like even the closest person doesn't care. I can run to Him crying, confused, and even angry and still be confident that he will bend down, meet me where I am. With tears streaming down His own face, He looks me in the eye and whispers, "I love you just as you are." And His love - His over and abundant love not only changes my heart, but enables me to love others regardless of how upset they make me.

What a awesome God we have! Let all the Earth praise Him!

Worship Through Waiting

As I was sitting in the airport yesterday morning, I couldn't help but think about fact that all I was really doing was waiting: waiting to check bags, waiting to go through security, waiting at my gate, waiting to get to my seat, waiting for the plane to take off, waiting for the plane to land, waiting-- well, you get the idea -- I had a scheduled 7 hour waiting process ahead for me. So as I sat at Gate D21, it couldn't have been more fitting to find that this week's study in Satisfy My Thirsty Soul by Linda Dillow was about how waiting is essential in worshiping God. I was actually so taken with it that I didn't even continue on to the study portion but read the chapter over and over again.

What I love most about the topic of waiting is that we are all waiting for something. Whether it's a "real" job, to get married, to have children, for someone to change, to figure out where/when we will move and build a new life, to make more money, or for emotional/spiritual/physical healing -- we are ALL waiting! I think the biggest question for me is am I just waiting to find out what God wants for my life or am I waiting to find the living God in my life? I don't know how, but I daily miss knowing God in an attempt to find out what His plan will be. I actually haven't finished this week's study, so I may have more to post later, but this poem stood out to me powerfully.

Wait
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

Culturally Relevant

Once again, I am overwhelmed with several questions concerning the truth of Christian life and how we interact in our postmodern culture. Which disciplines are truly important? Do we, as postmodern young adults, pick and choose which disciplines we practice according to values of our individualistic culture? And if we do, is that ok?

A few weeks ago, my church started planning evangelistic events for young adults. Though I've been involved in several similar events in the past, and even had a class that covered practical evangelism in college, I found myself dismissing the idea of evangelism: "I'm sharing the gospel... just in my own way... I have people I'm witnessing to. I don't need to go into coffee shops and talk to strangers. God may be calling some people to radical evangelism, but that is definitely not my thing." I can almost hear the words boiling up under the surface: "That may be true for you, but that isn't true for me."

I was wrong. I knew I was wrong, and honestly, this is something I'm still struggling with. But even now as I think about my reaction to evangelism, I can't help but wonder how many of us do this all the time? How often do we excuse our responsibility to spiritual disciplines with statements based on personal (and often relative) truth?

The spiritual discipline that comes to mind most readily is worship. A few months ago, I started a Bible study on worship. I actually had no idea this study was about worship because the title said something about finding intimacy. My initial excitement faded when I was given homework of 20 minutes a day of worshiping God. I have to admit, praising God didn't come naturally, and I didn't experience anything besides disappointment for the first week, but by the third week, I realized that setting 20 minutes of my day aside only to worship was changing my whole life. I was experiencing intimacy with GOD!

My excitement has been overwhelming! Yet, as I continue to share my excitement with young women who confess feeling distant to God, I hear the same thing over and over again: "God meets with each of us in very different ways, Cassie. You may drawl close to him through privately praising him, but that will not work for me. I tried it once or twice and felt silly." In other words: "That may be true for you, but that is not true for me."

I really struggle with this. Is it ok to only do things that we feel is "working" for us? I mean we don't have time to do everything we could be doing, right? We have to pick and choose the really important ones. And who am I to say that God reveals Himself more in one way than another? Who am I to tell people what to do?

Honestly, my heart wants to shout with urgency at those around me that they are missing out on knowing God intimately! But what if my truth really isn't their truth? Or what if we are all so caught up in our postmodern, politically correct culture that we can't tell what real truth is?

Nannying

So in the past few days I've been meditating on 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 - "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies."

And this morning I woke up with an exciting example of what this looks like in my life!

I am a nanny for a beautiful, toddler girl named Kayla. As those of you who have taken care of other people's children might know, it is not the same as watching you own kids or even other children in your family. For example, I hardly see my 7 (almost 8) nieces and nephews, but my heart longs for them. I love them in a way that could only be trumped by having my own children. I deeply care about them because they are my family. They are mine. Kayla, on the other hand, is not mine. I still take care of her and I do have a type of love for her, but I know that when I'm done working with her, I might not ever see her again. I have no lasting bond with her, and that is ok.

The reality of my job is that I am a servant of Kayla's parents. When I take care of Kayla, it is my responsibility to present her to her parents at the end of the day as clean, healthy, and hopefully better educated and behaved than in the morning. When they get home I give an account of everything we did together, everything she ate, and even how much she pooped. I can't count the number of times I've told Kayla's parents while talking about other unsatisfactory nannies that "I am here to make sure Kayla is getting the kind of care you would give her if you were here with her yourself. It's not about what I want for Kayla, but what you want for Kayla." And because I know they are loving parents, I do think they want the best for her.

In the same way, I am not my own. I will be accountable for everything I have done, even my thoughts and heart desires, on the judgment day. God has given me the responsibility to take care of this body, but that doesn't mean that it is mine to with as I choose. Just like I make an effort to give Kayla a balanced diet and take her out to get exercise, I need to take care of the body God has given me. I am NOT my own! My body is not mine!

What is more, is that I would never think of encouraging little Kayla to sin! I think of Paul's words in Romans 6:2 when asked about continuing in sin - "Hell NO!" Her body is not mine! Specifically, Paul was talking about sexual sin in 1 Cor. 6, which makes this topic even more repulsive. For those of us who struggle with sexual sin, think about the fact that we are now taking care of someone else's body! Not just anyone's body, but God's body! The mere I idea makes me sick to my stomach!

As I was thinking about this topic of children and sin, a memory of a little girl my mom used to take care came to mind. One spring break when I was home from school. I saw this little girl, at the time she was about 3 years old. She loved to sing and dance in her twirly skirts. That morning, as I was making breakfast for myself, she danced into the kitchen singing at the top of her lungs, "Touch my body!" by Mariah Carey. I was shocked and horrified to learn that this little child listened to these sexually explicit songs on a regular basis! What kind of mother would let her child listen to that filth!?!

And then I am convicted about my own life.... How many times do I find myself humming along to a less than God-honoring song? How many quotes do I have memorized from "questionable" movies?

I am not my own.

So the question remains, how am I taking care of God's body? What kind of servant am I? Can I say to God the same thing I say to Kayla's mother? "It's not about what I want for my life, but what you want. And because I know You are my loving Father, I believe You want the best for me."

Amazing Grace

I know its been seemly forever since I last blogged. 1) because for a while I didn't have anything encouraging to share, and 2) because recently there is almost too much on my heart to capture it in words. God is so good!

God has been teaching me about sin recently: the death and destruction it brings into our lives; the hidden current of pride and anger that's running through our hearts; and the true life and love our savior graciously pours out.

As I've seen more and more people around me get excited about following Christ, I've been bombarded by stories of what God is doing in other people's lives. Normally, this is something I would rejoice in. But while I've listened to these recent stories of God's goodness, memories of past misunderstands about Christianity have flooded my heart. Growing up I was told that after we accept Christ, we should have stories about how God has changed people's lives through us. As a result I made it a goal to share Christ with those around me. I understood the Gospel as something that we had so we could become good people, and as good people we would help other people "be good" too.

Although, God has revealed much more of His plan for me over the years, my heart is still tempted to see my relationship with Him as a checklist consisting of how many times I read my Bible, how often I share my faith, and the general respect I get of other Christians in the church. I not only want to quantify and qualify my relationship with Jesus, I also want to tell really encouraging stories of how God is using me. In short, I want my walk with Jesus to be about me. Deep in my heart, I believe that I am actually very important. I believe that I should be admired and praised. And I believe that I even harbor hidden anger in my heart toward God because He says that isn't true. He says that apart from Him, I can do nothing. All my good works and evangelism are meaningless - disgusting even, apart from Him. That, for me, is hard to swallow!

God has continued to challenge my heart on this topic of self-righteousness. This morning I was reading Psalm 106 where David gives a testimony of what God has done through Israel. How crazy is this: David hardly mentions anything good Israel has done for God! He doesn't talk about how many people are now following God because of Israel, or how many people now have a copy of the Torah. Instead, David describes the gradual downfall of God's people (people who experienced God's salvation), and I can't help but wonder what our story as modern American Christians would look like if someone told our testimony.

I know personally I can definitely relate to the Israelites. Here are a few highlights:
- First, they did not remember the kindness of God.
In the business of life, we often consider ourselves devoted if we remember God in general for a whole 20 minutes a day. How often do we really remember the goodness of God? How often do we worship Him?
- They did not wait for his counsel.
Sometimes its the simplest things we over look like listening to God. I know we might pray often and pour out our desires to God, but how often do we wait for His direction?
- They gave in to their cravings.
Think about today. Maybe this past week, how many times did you give into one of your cravings? I know that I hardly even think about what I'm craving before I've already consumed it!
- They exchanged their Glory for an image of a bull that eats grass.
This for me is TV. I could sit before the image of relationships, success, and beauty and worship for hours before I ever knew what hit me.
- They did not believe His promises.
You are free from the power of sin. God has a good plan for your life. He will satisfy all your desires. God will not let you be tempted beyond what you can handle. No matter where you turn, He will give you direction. God loves you with an undying love. He is the only thing that will ever really matter. Can you say that you fully believe Him?
- They grumbled.
Do I need to elaborate?
- They did not obey.
"Pray without ceasing," "Be holy as I AM holy." "Do nothing out of selfishness." "Consider others as more important than yourself." "Consider it a joy when you face trials of all kinds." "Flea from sexual immorality." "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and body."
- They adopted the customs of people who hated God.
Please forgive me if this sounds work based or counter-cultural, but how often do we let our lives conform to the pattern of those around us? How do live differently from other people? How are we set apart for Christ?

You might read this, and say, "Well, yeah, we all sin. I can't focus on my bad stuff." And you are right. But we can't forget the Holiness of God. Where there is sin, there is always punishment and suffering! After David describes the shortcomings of Israel. He says, "Therefore the LORD was angry with his people and abhorred his inheritance [remember these are followers of God]...Many times he delivered them, but they were bent on rebellion and they wasted away in their sin."

"Yet he took note of their distress when he heard their cry; for their sake he remembered his covenant and out of his great love he relented. He caused all who held them captive to show them mercy."
This is the message of salvation! This is what our story should be. We are utterly helpless! We are wasting away in our sin. But He saves us! We have forgotten Him, but He remembers us. His love covers all our sin! We are faithless, but He is faithful. He poured Himself out that we might live!

My story, to you today is not about how many people I am pursuing in Christ. It is not about how much time I spend in prayer and bible study. It's not even about how the Holy Spirit is refining my character. My story is about One thing - I am a sinner, saved from the destruction of my sin by the great love, mercy and grace of my King and Savior Jesus Christ!

'Praise be to the LORD, the God of Israel,
from everlasting to everlasting.

Let all the people say, “Amen!”

Praise the LORD.'

Someone to Talk to

So I feel like it's been a while since I've updated my blog.

General Info:
1) Just in case you're wondering everything is pretty much settled from the accident. Thanks for all your prayers and support. 2) I'm also not going home for Christmas. So I'm currently weighing my options about where to spend Christmas this year. I kinda want to be a recluse and spend the day by myself, but considering I don't live by myself that is highly unlikely. And 3) I think it goes without saying that I miss my family and friends from back home a LOT.

How Am I Really?
I feel like these past several weeks/months have opened my eyes to what the single-adult world is really like, and now I can understand why so many people feel like they need to get married or move to a different city or find a better job. Being a twenty-something, single girl living on her own in a big city is incredibly lonely and often feels purposeless. All throughout my life I felt a deep sense of loneliness and longing to do something meaningful. But I've normally had a goal, or could at least see the next step of my life. Now I just see life going on forever - incredibly meaningless.

I was kinda hoping that CityLife would fix those problems for me. I planned to move to Austin and somehow live with the girls on my team. I saw us hanging out almost every night. I imagined living in community with my neighbors and having meaningful one-on-ones with all types of women. Yet the reality is that everyone is busy. We don't have time or energy to meet up with each other, and when we do, we often don't know how to take relationships to the next level.

I have made good friends with people from Church. Some of the young adults there are probably my favorite people ever. But I still carry this deep sense of loneliness that I think stems in fear. Somehow I am convinced that if people really knew me they would hate me. If people really saw my heart and my desires, they wouldn't want to even talk to me. I don't remember the last time I had a normal conversation without hearing about what they thought I should do or what they thought was wrong with me. And in most of those conversations, the other person was not vulnerable to share about their own lives. It is the worst feeling knowing that there is no one you can talk to honestly within a several hundred mile radius. Haha, talk about "being on your own."

One of my friends down here asked me about Sex in the City. "What was that?" She asked. "Does that ever really happen? Where are my three or four best friends that I can share everything with?" I've always loved that show. I always thought that what attracted me to it was their honestly about sex, but talking with my friend made me realize that it wasn't the sex that was so attractive but the friendship. Those women knew that even though they were completely different, even though they cheated on their partners, even though they might never see eye to eye on anything, they would always have friends in each other. The real story in Sex and the City is the friendship that these four women shared, and I have to echo the question of my friend - where is that in my life?

So, honestly, I haven't been doing well. I find myself wanting to sleep instead of spending time with people. I often blow off everything because there seems to be no point in doing anything. I haven't responded to phone calls or tried to talk to anyone. What is frightening me the most is that I often question what I know is right. It is so much easier not thinking about tomorrow and just doing what feels good today. I mean no one cares, right? If they do care, it is only to make me feel guilty and to point out how wrong I am. I guess I can see myself slipping down the slide of depression, but at the bottom of the slope is complete disrespect for relationships.


One of my favorite songs~

"Don't give up on me tomorrow.
Love me like you do today.
Look beyond my fear and sorrow,
Even if I push you away."

Vanity

Right now, there is so much on my mind. So many little things that are swirling around up there that I feel I can't concentrate on anything. I just want peace. I want to know how to be still.

I find that relationships have taken over most of my thoughts. Issues in friend's lives, issues I see in my life. I find myself absorbed in questions: Why do they think that? Why do I think differently? Which is right? Why am I so annoyed by them? Why do I like them so much? Why are we all so shallow and deceived? When will we ever actually love each other the way we were made to? Why do we all feel so alone but never let anyone in?

I could probably go on with questions for the rest of the morning, and each question could have it's own essay, or book for that matter. I so desperately want to understand. I want to fix the problems so we can live in unity. But the more I understand, the more I become depressed about our broken state of being.

Ecclesiastes 1:13-18
I applied my mind to study and to explore by wisdom all that is done under
the heavens. What a heavy burden God has laid on mankind! I have seen all
the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a
chasing after the wind.

"What is crooked cannot be straightened;
what is lacking cannot be counted."

"For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
the more knowledge, the more grief."

So what do we do then? I mean isn't the unevaluated life not worth living? And isn't wisdom better than folly?

And I declared that the dead,
who had already died,
are happier than the living,
who are still alive.
But better than both
is the one who has never been born,

.......

This only have I found:
God created mankind upright,
but they have gone in search of many schemes.

......

Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun—all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun.

So I guess I got a little carried away with Ecclesiastes, but I have to say it is one of my all-time favorite books. Somehow there is freedom in knowing everything is meaningless - a chasing after the wind. There is peace in knowing "the conclusion of the matter: fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the duty of all mankind."