So I feel like it's been a while since I've updated my blog.
General Info:
1) Just in case you're wondering everything is pretty much settled from the accident. Thanks for all your prayers and support. 2) I'm also not going home for Christmas. So I'm currently weighing my options about where to spend Christmas this year. I kinda want to be a recluse and spend the day by myself, but considering I don't live by myself that is highly unlikely. And 3) I think it goes without saying that I miss my family and friends from back home a LOT.
How Am I Really?
I feel like these past several weeks/months have opened my eyes to what the single-adult world is really like, and now I can understand why so many people feel like they need to get married or move to a different city or find a better job. Being a twenty-something, single girl living on her own in a big city is incredibly lonely and often feels purposeless. All throughout my life I felt a deep sense of loneliness and longing to do something meaningful. But I've normally had a goal, or could at least see the next step of my life. Now I just see life going on forever - incredibly meaningless.
I was kinda hoping that CityLife would fix those problems for me. I planned to move to Austin and somehow live with the girls on my team. I saw us hanging out almost every night. I imagined living in community with my neighbors and having meaningful one-on-ones with all types of women. Yet the reality is that everyone is busy. We don't have time or energy to meet up with each other, and when we do, we often don't know how to take relationships to the next level.
I have made good friends with people from Church. Some of the young adults there are probably my favorite people ever. But I still carry this deep sense of loneliness that I think stems in fear. Somehow I am convinced that if people really knew me they would hate me. If people really saw my heart and my desires, they wouldn't want to even talk to me. I don't remember the last time I had a normal conversation without hearing about what they thought I should do or what they thought was wrong with me. And in most of those conversations, the other person was not vulnerable to share about their own lives. It is the worst feeling knowing that there is no one you can talk to honestly within a several hundred mile radius. Haha, talk about "being on your own."
One of my friends down here asked me about Sex in the City. "What was that?" She asked. "Does that ever really happen? Where are my three or four best friends that I can share everything with?" I've always loved that show. I always thought that what attracted me to it was their honestly about sex, but talking with my friend made me realize that it wasn't the sex that was so attractive but the friendship. Those women knew that even though they were completely different, even though they cheated on their partners, even though they might never see eye to eye on anything, they would always have friends in each other. The real story in Sex and the City is the friendship that these four women shared, and I have to echo the question of my friend - where is that in my life?
So, honestly, I haven't been doing well. I find myself wanting to sleep instead of spending time with people. I often blow off everything because there seems to be no point in doing anything. I haven't responded to phone calls or tried to talk to anyone. What is frightening me the most is that I often question what I know is right. It is so much easier not thinking about tomorrow and just doing what feels good today. I mean no one cares, right? If they do care, it is only to make me feel guilty and to point out how wrong I am. I guess I can see myself slipping down the slide of depression, but at the bottom of the slope is complete disrespect for relationships.
One of my favorite songs~
"Don't give up on me tomorrow.
Love me like you do today.
Look beyond my fear and sorrow,
Even if I push you away."
