So trying to cry silently sucks, lol! I know that I'm simply overly emotional right now, but normally I have someone (a roommate, boyfriend, or close friend) to cry with. Right now I feel so alone. It's not homesickness - no, being at home might possibly be worse. It's just that emptiness of knowing that one would really notice or care if I wasn't around. I had it at home too.
God has been more than faithful these past few weeks. I have a place to stay for now, a wonderful job starting in a few weeks, and a ton of people who ask me to hangout pretty much every night. When I see what God has done, I wonder how it is I can feel even the slightest bit sad for myself....
The thing that has been on my heart the most these past few days is the possibility of having a CityLife team built around me, which really means that at least two to four people I meet down here would be willing to commit to seeking God with me for one or two years. We would need to live near each other or with each other and commit to reaching out to our neighbors and coworkers.
The prospect both excites me and freaks me out. On one hand, I love the idea of seeing God move in such a powerful way. The fact that God would work out a team of people in just a month or two would be amazing! And it would be awesome to be on a team with people who were in the same place of life as me! But at the same time, I'm freaked out about this possibility of starting a new team when I haven't met one woman who's been seriously interested. And the fact that we would have to live with or near each other is overwhelming! I don't even have a permanent place to live.
I would love to be on John and Beth's team too, but it would be really different. Most of their friends are married and don't go out at night. They are older and settled in their way of life - I mean even though they are in their late 20s, they don't go on facebook more than once a week! Honestly, I don't know how to relate to them. I feel so awkward and out of place even with the single women. It probably doesn't help that they all are about 5"7', weigh 110lbs, dress in the latest fashions and are mostly from the South (South=Texas - because it is -contrary to popular belief down here, haha). I feel like I'm just starting to decode their culture, and it will take years to understand them not to mention be their friend. How does an awkward, chubby, recent college grad from the suburbs of Philly who lived in Amish country for the past five years merge into this culture of beauty and materialism? I guess that will be a show of God's power as well!
That is the nice thing about possibly starting a new team. The people i've met are more like me. Oh, they are still gorgeous and not at all awkward, but most of them have just moved here from the north, many of them are still trying to figure out what kind of job they want, and several don't have a permanent place to live yet. Like I said before (I think in another post), these people make me feel like I belong here - a sense of coming home.
So if you've gotten this far into my blog of ranting on and on, could you keep me prayer? Could you pray that God would raise up people in Austin who would commit to loving Jesus with me and living near or with me? And if it is God's will to be on this other, ready made team, that He would help me understand and love them. And that I would find a cheap place to live.....
God Bless
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
How?
So with all the things going on in my life I'm not sure why this is standing out so much, but it is. This morning all my worries and fears and frustrations built up into one pervasive question. How? More specifically, how do I trust God?
I was singing that song the other morning -"Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus." I've always been astounded by the chorus which sings, "Jesus, Jesus, how I trust thee, how I've proved him o'er and o'er." Who can really say, "I trust God SO much. Just look, I have trusted him so much that I have proved he is faithful." I wish I could say I have that type of trust, that type of faith.
This morning I sat down to spend some time with Jesus, and somehow got distracted with looking for a job online. As I applied for what could be the perfect Nannying position, I began to pray that God's will be done - that he would work everything out in the best way possible. But I can't help but have these nagging doubts. The haunting "what ifs" hang over my head. How is it that I can make these plans and decisions, but God is still sovereign? If I am the one acting, how is God controlling? I know that theologians have debated this question for thousands of years, and I will probably never really understand, but I have to ask myself how is it that we truly trust God?
And then along with that question comes another: what does trusting God look like acted out in my life? Should I try my best, work really hard, and focus on worldly and moral success hoping and trusting that God will bless my efforts? Or should I get lost in the joy of spending time with God and his people - believing that I don't need a job because God is faithful? Should I take huge leaps of faiths that make people think I'm crazy expecting God to do the impossible? I'm convinced that trusting God should change my life, but I still don't think I understand how.
So, how does a person trust God? More importantly, how do you trust God?
I was singing that song the other morning -"Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus." I've always been astounded by the chorus which sings, "Jesus, Jesus, how I trust thee, how I've proved him o'er and o'er." Who can really say, "I trust God SO much. Just look, I have trusted him so much that I have proved he is faithful." I wish I could say I have that type of trust, that type of faith.
This morning I sat down to spend some time with Jesus, and somehow got distracted with looking for a job online. As I applied for what could be the perfect Nannying position, I began to pray that God's will be done - that he would work everything out in the best way possible. But I can't help but have these nagging doubts. The haunting "what ifs" hang over my head. How is it that I can make these plans and decisions, but God is still sovereign? If I am the one acting, how is God controlling? I know that theologians have debated this question for thousands of years, and I will probably never really understand, but I have to ask myself how is it that we truly trust God?
And then along with that question comes another: what does trusting God look like acted out in my life? Should I try my best, work really hard, and focus on worldly and moral success hoping and trusting that God will bless my efforts? Or should I get lost in the joy of spending time with God and his people - believing that I don't need a job because God is faithful? Should I take huge leaps of faiths that make people think I'm crazy expecting God to do the impossible? I'm convinced that trusting God should change my life, but I still don't think I understand how.
So, how does a person trust God? More importantly, how do you trust God?
Friday, August 13, 2010
Change of Heart
So I have been for at least the past few years notoriously not a an animal person, but I think living alone for the past weeks has had a profound effect on me. John and Beth went out for a little and left Winston (their Great Dane) with me. For the first time ever, I am finding myself really liking an animal. In this moment, I feel like I would actually get a pet. Me-own an animal! I think part of it is that I hate being alone, and this dog makes me feel like I have a friend. I mean they don't call them man's best friend for nothing, right?
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Young Adults!
I know that today is the second post of the day, which is probably a blogger "no no," But today was simply great! I got an interview and then applied to fifty million more jobs it seems like. I was planning on going to this church thing, but I was so tired. I decide to just suck it up and go, but when I plugged it into my GPS it couldn't find the address. I knew that the only way I would get there was if I figured out the directions on my own.... well I did it! First time navigating with just a map in Austin!
But then I got there. I could only see three people standing outside and I wasn't sure I had the nerve to go in. I had to remind myself that I really have nothing to lose. So what if they think I'm weird or if I think they are weird - who cares? So I finally get the courage to meet these people and it turns out there are a good 40 or more people that come out to this gathering. And most of the people I met had just moved to Austin from the north! Most of them didn't have jobs when they moved, and some still need roommates.
It was amazing!! I didn't realize how good it is talking to people face to face - especially people who are in the exact same place in life as I am. It's almost like looking into a mirror. I finally feel like I've met a group of people I click with. That could be because they are not from the South, haha. Some of them have been on staff with college ministries, gone to Bible colleges, and even been on STPs! I feel a sense of belonging that I haven't had these past two weeks. I am literally thrilled!
But then I got there. I could only see three people standing outside and I wasn't sure I had the nerve to go in. I had to remind myself that I really have nothing to lose. So what if they think I'm weird or if I think they are weird - who cares? So I finally get the courage to meet these people and it turns out there are a good 40 or more people that come out to this gathering. And most of the people I met had just moved to Austin from the north! Most of them didn't have jobs when they moved, and some still need roommates.
It was amazing!! I didn't realize how good it is talking to people face to face - especially people who are in the exact same place in life as I am. It's almost like looking into a mirror. I finally feel like I've met a group of people I click with. That could be because they are not from the South, haha. Some of them have been on staff with college ministries, gone to Bible colleges, and even been on STPs! I feel a sense of belonging that I haven't had these past two weeks. I am literally thrilled!
Job!
So excited! I received my first phone call for an interview! It's not my dream job or anything, but at 9:30 Monday morning I will be interviewing for a position at Target! This whole not having a job thing is terrible! And it hasn't even been two weeks. When I take time to realize that it has only been a few days I feel like a sissy for being so discouraged. I mean my dad was out of work for 6 months when I was little - SIX MONTHS! I can't imagine. He had a wife, four kids, and no job. Wow, I think it is true that you have a new respect for your parents when you grow up. Hopefully, it won't take 6 months for me to get a job.....I'm actually banking on it taking my less than 2 months or I will have run out of money...
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Waiting
So, I always think about blogging, but when it comes down to it I never have anything to say - and I'm not the type of person who likes to give random updates on stuff like what I ate for breakfast, haha. Once again, I am at a loss for words.
My life has been pretty predictable for a person who has just moved. I'm still in the slow process of looking for jobs and trying to make friends. Both of which are going much slower than I had hoped. In college, work and friends just kinda hits you in the face. Now, I feel like people take at least a week to do any type of networking.
Making friends has definitely been the easier part of relocating - at least for me. I am pretty comfortable talking to new people and going to places by myself. I find that people normally want to make you feel welcome if you tell them you are new and don't have friends. I've already been invited to a few people's houses to hangout. And I might even have a potential roommate for next month!
The more discouraging thing for me is not having a job. This is so hard for me to trust God with. I can't help thinking about what will happen if I don't find a job. I've been finding that most places think I'm either under or over qualified to work. Entry level jobs don't want me because they know I'm looking for a teaching job. And schools don't want me because they don't know me or my teaching style, and all I've had are entry level jobs. Thinking about it just makes me cry. At this point, I don't care what I do, I just want a job. I don't need a lot of money...
I guess right now, I need to learn how to wait. Each day I apply for new jobs, and talk to store managers, but I keep feeling like I'm not doing something right. Part of me wonders if maybe God is teaching me to wait. I've never been good at waiting. It's not that I am a hasty person or someone who needs things to be done super fast, but as I look back, I realize that I have never done well with waiting for something that I really want. The example that comes to mind is boys. If there isn't anyone I am interested in, somehow I secretly decide that I will never get married. And then when there is a guy, even if I know he's not the best, I go ahead and date him thinking that, of course, we are meant to be. It seems as though I latch on to whatever is in front of me for fear of the dark unknown that lies beyond it. But now there is nothing in front of me except unknowns. Nothing to latch on to.
All that is left for me is to trust God. "Nothing in my hand I bring, simply to the cross I cling." Praise Him!
My life has been pretty predictable for a person who has just moved. I'm still in the slow process of looking for jobs and trying to make friends. Both of which are going much slower than I had hoped. In college, work and friends just kinda hits you in the face. Now, I feel like people take at least a week to do any type of networking.
Making friends has definitely been the easier part of relocating - at least for me. I am pretty comfortable talking to new people and going to places by myself. I find that people normally want to make you feel welcome if you tell them you are new and don't have friends. I've already been invited to a few people's houses to hangout. And I might even have a potential roommate for next month!
The more discouraging thing for me is not having a job. This is so hard for me to trust God with. I can't help thinking about what will happen if I don't find a job. I've been finding that most places think I'm either under or over qualified to work. Entry level jobs don't want me because they know I'm looking for a teaching job. And schools don't want me because they don't know me or my teaching style, and all I've had are entry level jobs. Thinking about it just makes me cry. At this point, I don't care what I do, I just want a job. I don't need a lot of money...
I guess right now, I need to learn how to wait. Each day I apply for new jobs, and talk to store managers, but I keep feeling like I'm not doing something right. Part of me wonders if maybe God is teaching me to wait. I've never been good at waiting. It's not that I am a hasty person or someone who needs things to be done super fast, but as I look back, I realize that I have never done well with waiting for something that I really want. The example that comes to mind is boys. If there isn't anyone I am interested in, somehow I secretly decide that I will never get married. And then when there is a guy, even if I know he's not the best, I go ahead and date him thinking that, of course, we are meant to be. It seems as though I latch on to whatever is in front of me for fear of the dark unknown that lies beyond it. But now there is nothing in front of me except unknowns. Nothing to latch on to.
All that is left for me is to trust God. "Nothing in my hand I bring, simply to the cross I cling." Praise Him!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Almost a Week
So it's been almost a week already! I have to say that I've been spending way too much time by myself. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being kinda on my own! But I have that deep, wonderful longing for my friends. I miss seeing and hugging those people whom I know I can cry and laugh with and not worry about what they will think. I would list your names, but I'm sure I would leave out some, and you know who you are anyway.
On a lighter note, I'm starting to make more plans to go out to see people and possible job opportunities. By this evening, I think I will be done with the application process and ready to stop by places to ask about jobs. I'm actually a little nervous about it. Not the visiting part, but the not having work to do at home part. Filling out paperwork and online forms has been my life for the past month or so - I'm not sure what I will do when I finish, especially if I don't have a job yet. I think I've reached the point that I don't care what type of work I do as long as I do something. I was hoping to go to the movies when I finally get a job, but the ticket expires on the 16th...Well, at least I have a goal, haha.
This Sunday I'm planning on going to a young adults lunch thing! I don't know anyone there or if they will be friendly, but I'm hoping they will be. I would be excited if they are half as friendly as the young adults from CFC. I guess I'll see soon enough. Sometimes I wonder, what is it that makes some people more friendly than others? I can think back and remember some people who are so welcoming that you feel apart of their family, but others act like they don't have time for you.... I wonder how I can learn to be more friendly...
Anyway, if you've taken the time to read this, know that I'm missing you, and no, I haven't met a cowboy yet.
On a lighter note, I'm starting to make more plans to go out to see people and possible job opportunities. By this evening, I think I will be done with the application process and ready to stop by places to ask about jobs. I'm actually a little nervous about it. Not the visiting part, but the not having work to do at home part. Filling out paperwork and online forms has been my life for the past month or so - I'm not sure what I will do when I finish, especially if I don't have a job yet. I think I've reached the point that I don't care what type of work I do as long as I do something. I was hoping to go to the movies when I finally get a job, but the ticket expires on the 16th...Well, at least I have a goal, haha.
This Sunday I'm planning on going to a young adults lunch thing! I don't know anyone there or if they will be friendly, but I'm hoping they will be. I would be excited if they are half as friendly as the young adults from CFC. I guess I'll see soon enough. Sometimes I wonder, what is it that makes some people more friendly than others? I can think back and remember some people who are so welcoming that you feel apart of their family, but others act like they don't have time for you.... I wonder how I can learn to be more friendly...
Anyway, if you've taken the time to read this, know that I'm missing you, and no, I haven't met a cowboy yet.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Fail
The last few days here have been simply wonderful! I have to admit, I love being on my own. I woke up this morning so excited to look for a job and organize my stuff. So far I LOVE Austin!
I did happen to experience an epic fail this afternoon though. I was going to get fingerprinted and to make a long story short, basically my printer broke - then fixed itself, my macbook broke - but it also got better, and then my GPS took me to the wrong place - except it was actually the right place, I just didn't realize it. By the end of the day, I wasted 4 hours and a quarter gallon of gas, and I still have not gotten my fingerprints done. Oh well, I'll try again tomorrow.
I did happen to experience an epic fail this afternoon though. I was going to get fingerprinted and to make a long story short, basically my printer broke - then fixed itself, my macbook broke - but it also got better, and then my GPS took me to the wrong place - except it was actually the right place, I just didn't realize it. By the end of the day, I wasted 4 hours and a quarter gallon of gas, and I still have not gotten my fingerprints done. Oh well, I'll try again tomorrow.
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