It's 5:30AM and the events of yesterday keep running through my mind like a terrible dream. I finally decided to wake up and write it down in an effort to rid my mind of it's haunting effects.
Yesterday morning started out a normal morning. I tried to feed the baby I'm nannying, and after giving her a bottle I decided to go to the park before class. I was actually really excited by the time we left the park because I had met about 6 other moms and nannies who wanted to hangout sometime.
As usual, I wasn't sure how to get to the class the baby had and I didn't have my GPS. As a result, I was pretty focused on where I was and where I was going. I saw I had a green light and my exit was coming up on the right, so I needed to merge over soon, when out of no where a car turned in front me.
It was over before I could even understand what happened. All I could think was, "why would that car have turned in front of me if I had a green light?" I jumped out and grabbed the screaming baby from the back of the car. There were only two things running through my head: what will the parents think and did I really have a green light. Within seconds I had my answer. My light was red. I was my fault. I had caused this three car accident. And I didn't even realize it.
I hit the other car on their passenger side full on - their car absorbing most of the impact of the crash. That car then glided into a pickup on the side of the road. I was in too much of a daze to think of anything, but looking back now I know that all three cars were towed even though the truck looked fine to me. The older woman in the car was unable to move and had to be cut out of her car and rushed to the hospital. I was told the man in the truck was fine.
Even now, there are so many things running through my head that I don't know where to start. I mean, I am fine. People say I should be sore, but I just have my normal head and neck pain that I almost don't notice after having for about 2 years now (that is a whole different story). The baby Kayla is doing well. She had a cut on her lip, but we're not sure what from, and some bruises on her torso from the car seat (some idiot man came up to me right after the crash and congratulated me on using a car seat! As if I would drive anywhere without it?)
Unfortunately, when Kayla's parents told her grandmother, she had a minor heart attack. Ben and Sheila are thinking about moving their trip to visit her a little sooner. Amazingly, Ben and Sheila have been so kind and understanding. In someways it makes me feel worse. I kinda wish they would punish me by firing me or something. Instead, they offered to let me have their car for the week. I'm still trying to figure out if I can rent a car or not. There is a lot of red tape, which sucks.
Anyone who knows me even a little knows I say I'm a "bad" driver. But in reality I have never been in an accident or even gotten a speeding ticket. I have definitely broken my share of traffic laws, but this time, I wasn't doing any thing wrong. I mean I was focused on the road. The more I think about it the more frustrated I get. I was trying to be careful! I saw a green light!
And then my mind races to the times in the past when I "saw" things and I wonder if I'm crazy. I remember an incident about 2 or 3 years ago, when I hallucinated at work. I remember seeing a 10 dollar bill and being convinced it was a 5. It happened like four times in a row. I had to ask my boss to move me temporarily. I remember another night when I was driving my friend home and ran a red light without knowing it at all. I freaked out then too, but I didn't hit anyone. It doesn't really help when people say they understand. How many people have been the cause of crashing three cars and sending three people to the hospital because their brain didn't work right?
It's kinda ironic. The other night at young adults we were talking about how we view hardships. I said that I'm fine with hardships that happen because of someone else, but if I am the cause I freak out. Maybe God is continuing to break me in this area? Maybe I need to learn how much I suck and that He is the only one who is good?
I want to thank all of you for your prayers and support. I appreciate that everyone has been so understanding. If you could continue to pray for Kayla's grandmother, the older woman in the other car, everyone involved emotional well being, and that I would somehow have a car today and until I can find a new one, that would mean a lot to me.
